“[S]hare some of the words that were said to us, or words we said to others that were not comforting, or maybe even made the situation worse.”

I was in my early 20’s. My then-boyfriend and his lifelong best friend (whom I shall call “S”) were working for the same company. He began dating a wonderful young woman (”P”) about 19 years old who was attending the local college. P and I became good friends, and the four of us spent a lot of time together. For a few months, it was idyllic — we had a lot of fun double-dating.

At first, S appeared to have changed. Although I enjoyed his company because he was witty, intelligent, and a genuinely good friend to my boyfriend, there was one aspect of his life that, up to that point, troubled me: He was a player. He dated a lot of different girls — simultaneously. Before I realized that, I set him up with one of my good friends. Luckily, she recognized the signs and succeeded in having some fun with him for a few weeks without falling for him and getting hurt.

So when I happened upon indisputable proof that S was seeing at least one other woman while also dating P, I found myself in a quandry. Because P was developing deep, genuine feelings for S, and plainly expected their relationship to be exclusive. She was talking about having a future, long-term relationship with P, so I knew that she would be devastated when she found out that P’s commitment to her did not match her growing attachment to him.

I discussed my concerns with my boyfriend and reasonably expected him to confront S. To my surprise, he refused and demanded that I keep silent, as well. He had been down this road with S numerous times and rationalized his friend’s behavior by pointing out that, to the best of his knowledge, S had not professed love for P or ever affirmatively represented that he would date only her. My boyfriend argued that P was reading more into S’s actions than was reasonable, S had been completely honest with her, and P would — and should — figure things out on her own. My boyfriend insisted that if I told P what S was doing behind her back, S would be upset with me and that would strain my boyfriend’s long friendship with P. He did not want to risk that.

I knew he was right. If I told P, I risked blow-ups and accusations on several fronts. I also knew that my boyfriend and I had reached the beginning of the end of our own relationship.

As it turned out, I did not broach the subject with P, although I was very uncomfortable about and disappointed by my boyfriend’s reaction. P became suspicious of S’s behavior on her own and shared her fears with me. The look on my face belied the truth. I could not mislead or confuse her. Although I felt that I had honored my boyfriend’s wish because I did not volunteer the information, when I saw the hurt in P’s eyes, I refused to claim ignorance, thereby multiplying her pain, violating her trust, and destroying the friendship she and I had formed. As predicted, she could not forgive me once she knew that I had been privvy to the information for a few weeks and had kept the truth from her.

P confronted S and, although she assured him that she discovered his duplicity on her own, he did not believe her. He was convinced that I had informed her about his behavior and told my boyfriend as much. My boyfriend thought that I had betrayed him and chastised me because he thought that I had violated the promise I made him. P was simply heart-broken as only a 19-year-old in love for the first time can be and ended up not wanting anything to do with any of the three of us.

My boyfriend and S remained friends, although our double-dating days were over. My boyfriend and I stayed together for a couple more years before I had to acknowledge what I inescapably discovered as a result of this incident: I could not spend my life with a man who would ask me to hold back the truth from a friend andrefuse to believe me when I confirmed that I did what he asked in spite of my own better judgment, instead adopting his friend’s unfounded suspicions

“A lying witness is unconvincing; a person who speaks truth is respected.” (Proverbs 21:28.) At the time, I certainly didn’t feel respected. I felt betrayed and abandoned. Literally caught in the middle of a controversy I did not create and of which I wanted no part, unable to extricate myself without severe consequences no matter which way I turned, which path I chose to walk. I should have bravely and unwaveringly followed the wise advice of Zechariah 8:16-17:

But this is what you must do: Tell the truth to each other. Render verdicts in your courts that are just and that lead to peace. Don’t scheme against each other. Stop your love of telling lies that you swear are the truth. I hate all these things, says the Lord.

I have never regretted that moment when my face told the truth to my friend, P, even though my lips did not. Although I ached for and with her, I knew that my honesty was not the true source of her pain, even though I became the catalyst for her suffering. Sometimes that is how we are called to interact with and relate to each other. I learned through that experience — and have relearned so many times in the ensuring years — that we cannot control the actions of our brothers and sisters, but we can refuse to stand silent in the shadow of others’ wrongdoing. And although it may cause someone we care deeply about to feel sorrow, disappointment, betrayal or myriad other emotions, the truth is, just as my mother used to tell me when I was growing up, always “the best policy.”

My act of confirming the truth to P about her relationship with S was, initially, neither comforting nor affirming. But my prayer for her over the years has always been that she came to see, even though our friendship was irretrievably broken, that P came to appreciate my refusal to conceal S’s duplicitous treatment of her. In the years since that incident, I have often wondered what became of those three folks who played such an important — indeed, pivotal — role in my life. I hope that they learned from what we experienced together and established happy, productive lives. Most importantly, I hope that if they think of me, they do so with respect for my refusal to hide the truth.

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