“Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But words will never hurt me.”
Not so.
“… negative and disruptive spirit …”
That’s some heavy label to attempt to hang on another human being.
Whew.
In the weeks since I left organized religion, I have told many people the words that my former pastor (NP) wrote those words to me. The reaction has been uniform: “He said what? You made the right decision.”
People just can’t believe that a pastor said that to a parishioner. But he did — I have the e-mail to prove it.
I have also extensively pondered his words. And I have reached a conclusion: Not only was there a complete failure by NP to live up to his professional responsibilities as my pastor (I will write more about this in future articles), he is dangerous.
I was talking with my college roommate the other day. We have been friends since we met 30 years ago. That is a long time to be friends with someone, so my former roommate knows me very well. Knows my history. Knows what makes me tick. Has stood with me, by my side, through all sorts of good and bad times. Thirty years is a long time to be hanging out with a “negative and disruptive spirit,” so my former roommate must be either a glutton for punishment or a saint.
I shared with my former roommate this thought: “You know, if NP had said that to me 30 years ago, he could have destroyed me. He could have completely obliterated my self-confidence, self-esteem, sense of self-worth, core identity … all those things could have been damaged. Perhaps irreparably.” Had he said something so vile, hateful and hate-filled, spiteful, and just plain cruel to me back when I was a young adult in college just learning to live independently and find my way in this world, he might have changed the course of my life. His label, so gleefully flung at me, could easily have sidetracked or derailed my progression into adulthood and fundamental self-concept.
After I left the church, a book that I read several years ago called to me from my bookshelf. At first, I didn’t know why.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is an easy read, but the concepts set forth are profound and have the potential to change your life. They did that for me when I first read it.
The Four Agreements are, at their simplest level, a blueprint for living your life well. They are a set of guidelines which, if you are able to follow them, will make your life a positive, guilt-free experience devoid of the drama and misery that most of us experience from time to time.
When I pulled the book off the shelf and began reading it again, I knew immediately why I had been drawn back to it.
The First Agreement: “Be Impeccable with Your Word.”
The Spirit has an ironic and sometimes seemingly wicked sense of humor. I put the book into my bag, planning to read a bit during lunch and headed off to my office. But then I remembered that I had to take one of my children to a doctor’s appointment, so I thought, “Well, good thing I brought a book because we will undoubtedly be in the waiting room for awhile.”
When we pulled into the doctor’s office parking lot, I saw a car that looked very much like NP’s. I noticed it and thought to myself, “Nah, probably isn’t.”
But sure enough we walked into the waiting room and there was NP with one of his kids, sitting in a chair right in front of the door. So there was no way that we could not notice each other. Obviously, I did not speak to him. I just pretended that I didn’t see him.
As I walked up to the receptionist’s desk, I swear I heard the Spirit laughing, as if to say, “See? There’s a reason you needed to bring that book to read today. Now make your co-payment, go sit down, and let me tell you what it is.”
We registered and found a couple of chairs around the corner where I did not have to look at NP. We did have to wait for quite a while, during which time I read — and got the message that as meant for me that day.
The author explains that the First Agreement is not only the most important one, but also the one that is most difficult to honor — and the most powerful.
The word “impeccability” means “without sin.” “Impeccable” comes from the Latin “pecatus” which means “sin.” So if we are impeccable with our words and use of words, we are without sin.
Ruiz explains:
Why your word? Your word is the power that you have to create. Your word is the gift that comes directly from God. The Gospel of John in the Bible, speaking of the creation of the universe, says, “In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and the word is God.” Through the word you express your creative power. It is through the word that you manifest everything. Regardless of what language you speak, your intent manifests through the word. What you dream, what you feel, and what you really are, will all be manifested through the word.
…
The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human; it is the tool of magic. But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you. One edge is the misuse of the word, which creates a living hell. The other edge is the impeccability of the word, which will only create beauty, love, and heaven on earth. Depending upon how it is used, the word can set you fee, or it can enslave you even more than you know. All the magic you possess is based on your word. Your word is pure magic, and misuse of your word is black magic.
The word is so powerful that one word can change a life or destroy the lives of millions of people.
…
The human mind is like a fertile ground where seeds are continually being planted. The seeds are opinions, ideas, and concepts. You plant a seed, a thought, and it grows. The word is like a seed, and the human mind is so fertile!
…
Whenever we hear an opinion and believe it, we make an agreement, and it becomes part of our belief system.
A person who calls another human being a “negative and disruptive spirit” is misusing his/her word. Such misuse of one’s word has the power to plant a seed in the fertile ground of the hearer’s mind — a seed or a thought with the capacity to take root and grow, and become part of the hearer’s belief system about his/her self-worth.
NP misused his word. But, thankfully, he did so with a person who possesses more strength than he could ever imagine. A person with the power to prevent his word from taking root or growing. I made an agreement years ago to be impeccable with my word and strive to honor that agreement every day. Fortunately for me, the First Agreement, as Ruiz explains, “will change the kind of seeds your mind is fertile for.” And it did so in my life.
Psychologists and psychotherapists talk about “scripts” from our childhood. Ruiz is saying the same thing. The First Agreement helps us stop playing those old tapes imprinted with the words of our parents, siblings, teachers, mentors, friends and yes, even, sadly, pastors, telling us that we are worthless, stupid, ugly, unworthy of love …
I strive to live in accordance with the agreement, but fail to do so at all times in all of my interactions with other persons for one simple reason: I am not without sin. I am a sinner, as we all are, and that fact sends me back to the foot of the cross each and every day in search of the forgiveness that awaits me there.
However, because I made a conscious decision years ago to quit buying into those old scripts or others’ misuse of their words, my mind was not fertile for NP’s caustic commentary. His words have not and will not take root, nor have they altered my fundamental self-image. I can only pray that he does not misuse his word in an equally reckless manner in his dealings with someone else who is not as resilient or confident.
Living the First Agreement = Living the Truth
The First Agreement is based on truth and leads to freedom. “The truth is the most important part of being impeccable with your word… Only the truth will set us free.”
The truth is that I am a child of and created in the image of the Divine Creator, i.e., in the Divine’s likeness, therefore, my spirit is neither negative nor disruptive and such a statement says nothing about me, but volumes about the speaker.
I am worthy of love and receive the Divine’s boundless love each and every day, even though I can do nothing to deserve or earn it. I am invited into communion and fellowship with the Divine each and every day solely because of the Divine’s desire to have me accept that love and accept myself as I am, even while striving each day to be a better version of my authentic self.
Soli deo gloria!
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