
Forgiveness
If you’ve been reading this blog regularly, you know that I have been working a great deal on the concept of thankfulness, feeling thankful, and giving thanks in a meaningful way for all things.
This week I have turned my attention to the topic of forgiveness. More specifically, I have been focusing on the manner in which we are called to forgive one another and how well I live up to that directive.
Consider these two passages:
Jesus spoke to his disciples. “Things that make people sin are sure to come,” he said. “But how terrible it will be for the person who brings them! Suppose people lead one of these little ones to sin. It would be better for those people to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck. So watch what you do.“If your brother sins, tell him he is wrong. Then if he turns away from his sins, forgive him. Suppose he sins against you seven times in one day. And suppose he comes back to you each time and says, ‘I’m sorry.’ Forgive him.”
Luke 17:1–4
“Forgive people when they sin against you. If you do, your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive people their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Matthew 6:14–15
Is there a contradiction? Note that in the first passage, Jesus tells us to let another person know that they have done something wrong. But then he commands us to forgive him/her, “if he turns away from his sins, …”
However, in the book of Matthew, he tells us to forgive others who sin against us because, if we do not, we will not be forgiven by the Divine for our own sins. There is no mention of forgiveness as a reaction to someone else’s behavior. Simply a commandment to grant it, because we will fail to comply at our own peril.
So which is it? Do we wait for the other person to change their ways and then offer our forgiveness? Or just forgive them without waiting for any further action from them? And if they ignore what we tell them about their behavior, are we off the hook? Can we just stomp off in a huff, annoyed that they did not heed our obviously better-informed opinion and immediately change course?
Forgiveness is something that many people struggle with. For a lot of people, forgiveness is extremely difficult to ask for from another person and virtually impossible to give freely and generously.
You know people like that … in fact, maybe those two sentences describe you.
Do you hold grudges? Do you disassociate yourself from people when there is conflict in the relationship and feel animosity toward them from that point on, never letting go of that emotion and experiencing it again whenever you are reminded of that person or the incident(s) involving them?
Someone asked me recently if I thought that the ability to forgive is a gift of the Spirit. I had to think about that because we traditionally conceptualize gifts bestowed by the Spirit as being primarily the ability to prophesy and speak in tongues. (1 Corinthians 14) Other gifts include wisdom, knowledge, faith, healing, wisdom, miracles, discernment, and interpretation. (1 Corinthians 12:7–10)
I believe that list is illustrative, rather than determinative. In other words, that is not an exclusive list of gifts bestowed by the Spirit, as 1 Corinthians 12:4–6, 11 states the following:
There are different kinds of gifts. But they are all given by the same Spirit. There are different ways to serve. But they all come from the same Lord. There are different ways to work. But the same God makes it possible for all of us to have all those different things … All of the gifts are produced by one and the same Spirit. He gives them to each person, just as he decides.
So yes, I believe that the fact that some people have an easier time asking for and/or granting forgiveness than others is, in fact, a gift of the Spirit. My interpretation of 1 Corinthians leads me to conclude that the ability to forgive is a gift of the Spirit, tacitly encompassed in the category of “healing.” The ability to forgive with ease is a personality characteristic, part of our core nature. We can change our core nature, of course, through prayer and conscious efforts to think and behave differently, and the Divine asks that of us in areas of our lives where we struggle.
The subject of forgiveness came up in conversation because a friend of mine read this blog and, more particularly, my very first post.
Published on January 13, 2007, I updated it on February 26, 2007, and added the following:
I have found forgiveness to be surprisingly and amazingly quick in coming and easily dispensed which is just one more way, I believe, of the Holy Spirit affirming that I am exactly where I am meant to be at this time.
My friend did not believe that I could so quickly and, apparently, effortlessly, forgive not only the Noxious Pastor, but the other members of the congregation I left earlier this year. My friend remarked that, during our conversation, I showed no sign of anger, resentment or residual hurt about the things that transpired in that church or my need to disassociate myself from the institutional church, and questioned if I was just “putting up a brave front,” hiding my true feelings.
No, there is no “brave front” or attempt to mask my genuine emotions. I wrote the above statement truthfully, honestly, from my heart and soul.
I do not feel badly at all about having left the church. I do not miss it. In fact, with each and every week that passes, I realize over and over the correctness of my decision to abandon not just that congregation, but all forms of organized religion. I am finding new and inspiring ways to use my talents, and can see with absolute clarity that I am precisely at the place in my life to which the Spirit has led me.
Forgiveness was, for me, easy to give. But, you see, it is not my nature to hold a grudge against anyone. Never has been. Grudge-holding is not part of my core nature. And I believe that characteristic to be a gift of the Spirit, for which I am thankful and feel blessed.
That does not make me better than or superior to any other person who does struggle with forgiving others and/or tends to hold a grudge because, believe me, I have plenty of other undesirable characteristics with which I struggle! It’s just that forgiveness doesn’t happen to be one of my issues.
The only thing I did and still do find shocking, frankly, was the behavior of the Noxious Pastor. I am still amazed that, being a pastor, he did not ask for my forgiveness, choosing rather to proclaim his innocence even in the face of indisputable evidence of his wrongful conduct. I give thanks for my amazement because it shows that, even at this juncture, I strive to see the best in other people and I am deeply disappointed when it is impossible to do so.
You see, for a few weeks, I truly thought that I might have been too harsh in my assessment of his character and my declaration that his actions utterly lacked integrity. I thought that my phone would ring or I would receive an e-mail in which he would say “pastoral things” along the lines of “we need to set things right. Whatever happened should not have happened. For my part in it, I apologize and ask your forgiveness. For your part in it, I forgive you. This congregation needs your talents, your contributions to its ministry. They were massive and are sorely missed. Can we meet, pray and resolve this breach?” Not that I would have gone back to that congregation. Not that I would necessarily have participated in any such meeting because, truly, what is there to be gained from it?
But no such outreach effort has been forthcoming.
So today, I blog my blessings and include among them the fact that I have distanced myself from that congregation and its pastor. A pastor who is incapable of and does not feel convicted to reach out in the manner described above to a member of the flock who has gone missing is a pastor who cannot stand in a pulpit and preach to me. He/she has nothing to say to me because his/her words have no validity and cannot resonate in or with my soul, my core self. He/she cannot serve as a role model to me which is what I expect a pastor to be. That is not behavior I would ever want or seek to model.
No, I am thankful that I was freed by the Spirit and no longer squander my many talents and abilities toiling for that congregation. The Spirit has redirected them, inspiring me daily in new ways to express myself (including this blog!), explore my spirituality and discover all the blessings in my life, the ability to forgive and move on being only one of them.

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{ 5 comments }
Excellent post…and you’re correct (I feel) in that some people’s core nature holds onto anger and resentment longer than others, and it may indeed be a gift of Spirit for those like yourself who easily forgive.
Interesting post. I feel that there are some things beyond my forgiveness — sometimes people have to forgive themselves — and sometimes only a higher power can forgive.
Great post on forgiveness. I think your decision to pursue your own style of spiritual search is one that many people these days chose. I completely understand the feelings and the reasonings behind it.
Your expressions on Biblical and spiritual issues are great. Thank you so much for sharing.
Forgiveness is indeed a great and a rare thing. Even though we know it , we find so difficult to forgive someone when we have to.
But, try one must, and hopefully succeed.
is it possible to forgive and then, disassociate yourself from them as protection? What if there is no more trust and you feel better not being around them? At least, that’s the best that I can do for my mother and father who treated badly as a child. I do not want kids around them, fearing that, they will do the same to them as me. I simply do not have any respect for them and would rather distance myself. I think that is for the best. What do you think? It is the only way that I can function by not being around them.
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