Stop Perpetuating Harmful Stereotypes!

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“We women must realize how visual men are, and because of that we should wear modest clothes. Not because we don’t have the right to wear what we want, but for the benefit of the spiritual life of
our brothers in Christ.”
~ Heather Arnel Paulsen ~
Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart

With regard to this week’s quote, I am a failure.

I have tried without any success whatsoever, over the course of the past several days, to find one positive thing to write about Ms. Paulsen’s words. But I cannot and, therefore, confess that I am a complete failure.

Every time I look anew at the quote, I have a visceral reaction. The quote literally makes me sick to my stomach and enrages me. It offends me to the core of my being — as a woman, as an educated woman, as a professional woman, and as a feminist devoted to living, working, relating to others, and worshiping in a purely egalitarian fashion. I find myself shaking my head in sheer amazement and asking this question: Why do some Christian women consciously perpetuate and reinforce such harmful, self-loathing stereotypes about what it means to be a woman in 2007?

Bluntly, the first time I read the quote, I found myself angrily yelling, “So are we going to go back to telling a woman who is raped that she was attacked because she ‘asked for it’ by wearing a short skirt or revealing some cleavage?” I had to close the browser window and walk away from the computer, giving myself time to cool off and calm down.

Yes, I find the quote that outdated and reflective of backward thinking.

Why do some women think that the responsibility for maintaining “purity” falls solely upon women? Where in the equation of the above quote is the responsibility imposed upon men to behave in an admirable fashion? Apparently, men are just hapless fools, completely incapable of thinking for themselves or resisting even the slightest temptation. Because they are so pitifully “weak, puny and sinful” (Martin Luther’s words), they must be absolved of all accountability for their own conduct.

The kind of puritanical stereotypes invoked by the quote do not serve anyone. On the contrary, they enslave women and their daughters, foster unhealthy beliefs about what constitute healthy relationships with boys and men, and cause women to suffer from low self-esteem and self-confidence which frequently lead not only to their staying in abusive, demeaning relationships with men, but eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and many other psychological issues.

I have not read the entire book from which the quote comes — nor, after reading the premise, do I have any intention of doing so. I find the description appalling, including this sentence: “Christian singles often wear their hearts on their sleeves, which can lead to intense, emotionally intimate, male-female ‘friendships’ with no commitment to pursuing marriage. People may have had several of these ‘friendships’ and still consider themselves pure, but in reality they have given away pieces of their hearts that should be reserved for their future spouses.”

I reside in Northern California, home of the Sacramento Kings basketball team. Doug Christie played with the Kings for a few years and there were a lot of rumors about his wife Jackie’s jealous nature. I have no idea whether any of the stories told around the water cooler had any basis in truth, but Ms. Christie allegedly forbid her husband from having any contact whatsoever with a member of the opposite sex outside of her presence. This prohibition apparently extended to female members of the media. Purportedly, Ms. Christie went to ridiculous lengths to assure that her husband was never alone with a woman even for the purpose of transacting business.

I remember well the jokes told about such ridiculous marital proscriptions. The men found it mind-boggling that any guy would agree to such an emasculating arrangement and the women opined that Ms. Christie had serious personality issues. Despite all the whooping, bantering, and teasing, any couple in need of such extreme regulatory guidelines has serious problems pertaining to trust in each other and the strength of the relationship.

I interact with members of the opposite sex outside the presence of my spouse all the time. I have many male friends and I never think twice about talking with them on the phone, having lunch with them or visiting with them whether my husband and/or their wives are present or not. Sometimes one of our male friends will stop by the house looking for my husband. If he is not home, I invite the friend into our home, offer him a beer, and we chat until my husband gets back.

There is never any hint of impropriety or concern about my behavior, or that of my husband or our friends. Why? Because we are honorable people who don’t engage in extra-curricular marital affairs. We respect ourselves, our relationships, our families, our friendships, and our beliefs. Therefore, we are truly friends and, as educated adults, we are quite capable of distinguishing friendships from romantic interests.

It is my belief that such behavior characterizes mature, adult relationships founded upon mutual trust and admiration. If my husband were the kind of man who would cheat on his wife, one thing is true: I would never have married him. To treat him in a manner that suggests I don’t trust him implicitly dishonors him, our relationship and the family we have created, a point that seems to be lost not only upon Ms. Paulsen, but also her fans and supporters.

Instead of focusing on the negative and obsessing about “modesty,” Christian women and men should simply let good taste be their guide, not because anyone is responsible for another’s “spiritual life” but in order to project an image to the world of which we can be proud, and which allows us to feel confident and self-assured in our interactions with others. We were created in the image of the Divine Creator and should strive in every way to reflect the gift of the Divine’s boundless and unconditional love for us. Self-respect and abiding faith foreclose the possibility that we will bring dishonor or discredit to ourselves or the Divine via our dress, appearance or speech.

Yes, it really is that simple and has nothing whatsoever to do with gender.