October 2007

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“Gentleness is part of being feminine - part of being a woman, and God made us distinctly different from men on purpose!”

The quote for this week actually comes from a devotion entitled “A Gentle Breeze or a Sledge Hammer” which is aimed exclusively at women and based upon this verse:

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Galatians 5:22-23 (NLT)

In recent months, I have been reading The Message and absolutely love it. Here’s how the same passage is presented in that translation:

But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard — things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

The Message was created from the original Greek in order to help readers experience the “vitality and directness” of the texts in the same way as the earliest audiences. It was not intended to be a study Bible. Rather, “The Message strives to help readers hear the living Word of God—the Bible—in a way that engages and intrigues us right where we are.” I generally compare several different versions of the same passages because I learn a great deal by comparing several translations and considering the various ways in which the translations differ slightly.

Interestingly, I have not found a single translation that limits the above-cited verses’ application to women. Gentleness is not the sole province of women and it is not only wrong to suggest that it is, it is harmful and destructive. Men are equally capable of gentleness and to prove that proposition, you need look no further than the Bible which references “the gentle but firm spirit of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:1) and admonishes all persons to be “gentle with one another” (Ephesians 4:31). The Psalms portray the diverse characteristics of the Divine Creator, gentleness and compassion alongside strength and ferocity.

Church leaders must be “not pushy, but gentle” (1 Timothy 3:1). Ironically, some denominations rely upon that very book to justify their denial of leadership positions to women.

With all due respect to Ms. Chitwood, gender stereotypes such as those set forth in her devotion are outdated, inappropriate, and do not advance the very principle she espouses, i.e., the creation and maintenance of a gentle and loving marital relationship.

After all, who was the first real feminist? None other than Jesus Christ himself. Lest you be tempted to quit reading and close the browser window right now, consider that the true meaning of “feminism” — a dirty word among many Christian women — is “the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.” Who could argue with a straight face that there is anything wrong with those goals? Certainly not Jesus, who said:

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church — a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor — since they’re already “one” in marriage.

Ephesians 5:25-28

Those were radical words in those days! Jesus was a radical feminist! Putting women on the same level as Jesus’ church on earth was a wild idea in an age when women had absolutely no value or standing in the culture, and were bought and sold like the chattel that they were. I believe that today, given the steps that have been taken toward the establishment of an egalitarian society, he would direct his words to men and women.

“Gentleness is part of being feminine human - part of being a woman loving and compassionate human being, and God made us distinctly no different from men in this regard on purpose! God wants us — male and female — to bring our gentleness to our marriages, to love our husbands spouse with the tender love of God. Our tenderness woos our husbands spouse and allows them us to be vulnerable with each other in return.”

With that foundation, Ms. Chitwood’s “Application Steps” are insightful and helpful to all of us in our relationships with each other:

Application Steps:

• Enjoy God’s quiet presence and tender love.
• Don’t let harshness become a bad habit. Begin to replace it with gentleness.
• Practice patience.
• Refrain from interrupting, correcting or nagging your husband/wife.
• Think before you speak. Do you really need to say what you’re about to say?
• Spend time with friends or family — male and female — who have a gentle spirit and observe.

Reflections:

• How do you think being gentle helps your marriage? How does harshness hinder your marriage?
• Do you have any fears about being gentle toward your husband spouse? Be honest before the Lord and ask Him to give you His gentleness.

Anne Ford has followed up her narrative about raising a child with learning disabilities, Laughing Allegra, with On Their Own: Creating an Independent Future for Your Adult Child with Learning Disabilities and ADHD. Her second work is the continuation of her collection of practical guidance, resource material, and personal experiences.

If you have raised a children or lived with another family member who has one or more learning disabilities, there are a multitude of “Me, too!” moments awaiting you in this volume. As Ford explains at the outset, it is difficult to define learning disabilities with any degree of precision — and harder still for persons with no experience to understand and relate to the experiences of either the individual with the disabilities or their family. Yet learning disabilities are extremely common, in varying degrees.

Ford takes an admirable stab at articulating a working definition in order to give her readers a frame of reference: The term “learning disabilities” (or, to use Ford’s abbreviation, simply “LD”) is “not any one thing, but rather an umbrella term used to describe any number of behaviors that are unexpected in individuals who are accomplished in learning in other ways.” She explains:

LD affects people’s ability to interpret what they see and hear, or their ability to link information from different parts of the brain, because their brain is “wired” a little differently. These differences can show up as specific difficulties with spoken and written language, with coordination, with self-control, or with paying attention. People can have learning disabilities in reading, writing, and math, and in processing information (and they can have difficulties in one of these areas, two of them, or all of them). Most children and adults with LD can read words, but they may not always comprehend the meaning of the words. Learning disabilities can reach into personal relationships, since they often cause difficulty in common, everyday interactions with others.

With that foundation, Ford discusses a broad spectrum of ways in which persons with LD face challenges to their ability to live independently – and cause consternation for those who love them and want them to succeed. For instance, she addresses the conflicting emotions of parents who cannot break the well-establishing pattern of worrying about their child as they send him/her out into the world, yet yearn to experience the natural progression of parenting, i.e., a life free from caring for children. Indeed, she describes worry as “the dominating emotion most parents feel about an LD child. Yes, there is joy, happiness, fear, anger, guilt, pride, all the thousand-and-one positive and negative emotions that make themselves known at one time or another; but worry always seems to hang around and form an undercurrent to all the other emotions. “Lessons Learned — A Checklist of Realities” is a valuable description of lessons learned through parenting her daughter with which every other parent of a child with LD can empathize and relate.

Siblings face unique obstacles and emotional roadblocks in relationship to the child with LD who, of necessity, often receives more attention from the parent, leading to resentment, jealousy and, inevitably, guilt about those feelings. Because some persons with severe forms of LD will never be able to live entirely on their own with no supervision at all, siblings carry the burden of knowing that they will one day be called upon to take over caregiver responsibilities, while parents fret about aging and dying, leaving their other children saddled with the task of caring for their sibling. Ford, in her candid but touching writing style, describes explaining to her elder child that he would one day be left to be his sister’s “guardian, her friend, and even a father figure.” She wisely recommends that parents prepare a master file containing all information that will be needed by the sibling and inform them of its contents and location. Honest, open communication, acknowledging each family member’s conflicting feelings can ease the eventual transition of care giving responsibilities.

The middle section of the book drags, bogged down by the fact that Ford has not delved deeply enough into the areas where she provides advice for her writing to be of much use to anyone who has more than a passing knowledge of what it is like to live with an individual with LD. For those folks, her writing here becomes sophomoric and tedious. For someone who has no knowledge of these topics, however, this section might serve as a useful starting point, but is limited by its brevity and superficial treatment of issues such as deciding whether the individual with LD is capable of attending college and/or obtaining and maintaining meaningful employment.

In Ford’s defense, the decision about whether or not to include those chapters could not have been easy in light of the limitations of this volume — each one could independently be the topic of a whole book. Whether she included or omitted them, she would inevitably open her work up to this criticism. My recommendation is that those chapters be used as reference tools to the extentappropriate to the individual reader.

The most uplifting, inspiring, and, in my estimation, valuable part of the book is, however, the final section entitled “Interviews: Advice for Parents from Prominent People with LD.” For instance, Sir Richard Branson describes growing up thinking “I was stupid. And I happen to have bad eyesight as well, and that was my other excuse. I had bad eyesight and I thought I was stupid, so quite early on I had to compensate for it.” Although his learning disabilities are mild, he recalls, “I would look at an exam paper and I might as well have been upside down.” At the age of 15, his frustrations fueled his entrepreneurial spirit – he left school to found a magazine and has never looked back. Mildly dyslexic, to this day, he takes notes during conversations, and admits that he still gets his words “wonderfully muddled up – sometimes on television.” His advice to parents of adult children with LD? Help them find work that they are well equipped for and enjoy.

Gaston Caperon, former Governor of West Virginia and President of the College Board; John Chambers, President and CEO, Cisco Systems; David Neeleman, Founder and CEO, JetBlue Airways; and Charles Schwab, Founder, Chairman, and CEO, Charles Schwab & Co., all echo similar experiences and philosophies. Each describes feeling out of step with other children, believing themselves less capable than others, and eventually, through perseverance and the support of positive role models, finding their own means of accommodating their disabilities.

As Ford explains, “it’s all progress, not perfection.”

Living with LD or parenting a child with LD is an ongoing struggle, the details of which she has summarized in a heartfelt, straight-forward, unapologetic manner. Some of the advice she offers is too sophomoric for the savvy parent, but just right for those at the outset of the journey. But she never veers into self-pity, whining, or complaining, even while openly sharing some of the frustrations she has experienced over the years with her own daughter. She empathizes with parents who may, in weak moments, be tempted to give up, but urges them to take a brief respite and continue advocating and caring for their children because the love, nurturing, and boundless but restrained support for an adult child with LD is vital to his/her ability to live independently, consistent with his/her abilities.

Parents must learn to accept that the road twists in a different direction for them because their children have LD – “[W]e can never fully step back from their lives. Even though the central theme of this book is the necessity of learning to let go, we know that challenges and problems do not end. We can learn to accept them and handle them, but we can never eliminate them. We search for a sense of finality, but we never find it.” On Their Own will help parents and loved ones acknowledge, accept, and make peace with that fact.

My purpose in writing is simply this: that you who believe in God’s Son will know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you have eternal life, the reality and not the illusion. And how bold and free we then become in his presence, freely asking according to his will, sure that he’s listening. And if we’re confident that he’s listening, we know that what we’ve asked for is as good as ours.

1 John 5:13 (The Message)

The Divine Creator made us with an important attribute: Free will.

A few days ago, I was in a local office supply store. In my search for the items I needed, I rounded a corner and was confronted with a large display of 2008 calendars and planners. I did a double-take before reminding myself that it is already October. Why is it that every year seems to go faster than the one before it?

So as I decided to pick out a planner for next year, my eye wandered to the display next to the calendars: Christmas cards!

“No,” I muttered to myself, “I cannot deal with those yet.” Maintaining my resolve, I completed my purchases and did not even look at the brightly colored greeting cards.

But I’ve been thinking about the upcoming holidays in the days since. I had an epiphany: I realized that, for the first time in my life, I can choose to spend the holiday season in any way I please! I am no longer constrained by my obligations to the institutional church which always kicked into high gear immediately following Thanksgiving and continued through the New Year.

For the first time in my life, I can exercise my free will to devise a unique, meaningful way to celebrate the birth of the Savior — and maybe even start a new tradition.

Growing up, of course, I spent the holidays in the manner my family dictated and, as a college student and young, independent adult, also returned to my family home and traditions which always included participation in church activities. After establishing my own home and family, that tradition continued, especially as my parents aged, became grandparents, and longed to carry on the established routines surrounding holidays and milestones.

But now that I have eschewed association with the institutional church, a wide variety of options present themselves. For instance, I have always wanted to spend Christmas safely tucked into a cabin on a snow-covered hillside. I have always thought it would be lovely to spend Christmas Eve listening to carols and decorating a large pine tree with a glass of egg nog and roaring fire, stepping outside at midnight to hear the quiet, look at the stars, and imagine what that Bethlehem night must have been like.

I also love to be near the ocean any time of the year. So it would be equally lovely to rent a house on the beach and spend the evening the same way, except that it would be the smell of the salt air and sound of the waves that would enchant me in the wee small hours.

And Christmas Day? I think it would be delightful to open presents and enjoy a big, hearty brunch, lingering at the table to raise a mimosa to the memories of Christmases past spent with loved ones with whom we will eventually be reunited. An afternoon of reading, relaxing, and napping with carols playing softly might be just the ticket!

However I commemorate Christmas this year, it will be a different kind of celebration, designed to embrace the freedom I have discovered — from obligation, repetition of mundane services and sermons recycled by tired pastors, and feeling exhausted afterward from having served, but not really worshiped.

This year, I will celebrate boldly and freely in the presence of the Divine Creator — confident that my praises and prayers will be heard and answered.

So maybe I am ready to deal with those Christmas cards, after all, and plan a wonderful new way of singing “glory to the newborn King!”

For that, I am extremely thankful this Thursday!

What are you thankful for today? Leave a comment and link to your Thankful Thursday post! And, as always, thanks to Iris for being our wonderful host!

The Sphere of Exultation

from “My Utmost For His Highest”

by Oswald Chambers

We have all had times on the mount, when we have seen things from God’s standpoint and have wanted to stay there; but God will never allow us to stay there. The test of our spiritual life is the power to descend; if we have power to rise only, something is wrong. It is a great thing to be on the mount with God, but a man only gets there in order that afterwards he may get down among the devil-possessed and lift them up. We are not built for the mountains and the dawns and aesthetic affinities, those are for moments of inspiration, that is all. We are built for the valley, for the ordinary stuff we are in, and that is where we have to prove our mettle. Spiritual selfishness always wants repeated moments on the mount. We feel we could talk like angels and live like angels, if only we could stay on the mount. The times of exaltation are exceptional, they have their meaning in our life with God, but we must beware lest our spiritual selfishness wants to make them the only time.

We are apt to think that everything that happens is to be turned into useful teaching, it is to be turned into something better than teaching, viz., into character. The mount is not meant to teach us anything, it is meant to make us something. There is a great snare in asking - What is the use of it? In spiritual matters we can never calculate on that line. The moments on the mountain tops are rare moments, and they are meant for something in God’s purpose.

It is not often that I totally disagree with the quote selected for this writing exercise. But this is one of those times.

We are built for mountains, dawns and aesthetic affinities because we are created in the image of the Divine Creator. So to say that we are not meant to reflect that beauty on a consistent basis is wrong and offensive to the one who made us — and reflects totally outdated thinking. The above quote was, after all, written in 1918 and reflects the kind of narrow, black-and-white, negative world view that was characteristic of that time period. [click to continue...]