Holidays and Families: A Test of Character

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“The purpose of Christianity is not to avoid difficulty, but to produce a character adequate to meet it when it comes. It does not make life easy; rather it tries to make us great enough for life.”

Here we go! The holiday season officially begins this Thursday, Thanksgiving Day. The hustle-bustle of shopping for presents will be the norm for many folks. For most of us, there will be too many parties, school programs, and other obligatory appearances to make between now and December 24.

Many Americans, especially women, are so tired from all the preparations that by the time Christmas arrives, they are completely unable to enjoy it.

Holidays also signal another unique kind of stress: The “oh, my god, we have to spend time with the relatives” variety. Sadly, this time of year is all-too-often rife with anxiety, consternation, and emotional upheaval because folks are expected to spend time with their extended families, as well as a variety of friends, neighbors, acquaintances, business associates, and, last but not least, fellow church-goers.

Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.”

Luke 12:51-53
The Message

For many families, that passage is lived out, in varying degrees, during what is supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year.” Negotiations between spouses about which parents to visit, at what time, for how long are finalized and acted upon. Hostesses brace themselves for the annual appearance by that one family member who always drinks too much before the holiday dinner and then starts a fight with an in-law. Mothers steel themselves against the well-meaning but often snarky comments from the in-laws about their parenting techniques. Fathers begin the daily self-encouragement that will sustain them during a long weekend with their grumpy father-in-laws. And, of course, all of that frequently occurs after the arduous drive “over the rive and through the woods to grandmother’s house” with the kids screaming and fighting in the back seat and the spouses arguing about which exit from the freeway is the correct one.

If any of this sounds familiar and brings back memories of holidays past, take heart: You are in excellent company! I’m confident that anyone who is a member of a family — small or large — can conjure up at least one memory of at least one holiday-related dispute, debate, all-out argument, feud or complete breakdown of a relationship that remains unhealed, perhaps after many years.

A couple of my relatives experienced just such a fight. I grew up understanding that they did not speak to each other. Eventually, somebody inquired as to precisely why they no longer interacted. And neither of them could remember why! So many years had passed that they were utterly stumped about the basis for their ostracism of each other so they decided, in the interest of “making peace” before the first left this earth, to put aside their differences. They were the best of friends until one of them died. But they missed a lot of years together — they did not reconcile until they were both well into their seventies.

We can all deepen our enjoyment of the upcoming holiday season if we remember that the purpose of Christianity is not to avoid difficulties with our relatives, in-laws, boss, coworkers, neighbors, fellow parishioners, et al., but to produce a character adequate to meet those difficulties when they come. After all, the old cliche is verifiably accurate: We do not get to choose our relatives or, in most instances, other folks in our lives with whom we have ongoing relationships. Therefore, we need to exercise patience, tolerance, and sometimes, especially in the case of the elder members of our families, deference. The conflicts and struggles we endure with our loved ones, especially at this time of year, are not made easier by the fact that we are followers of the cross. Rather, the path we walk equips us to deal with those situations with a generous spirit and kind heart.