Closer to Conformity with Christ . . . Away from the Church
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“We must assess our thoughts and beliefs and reckon whether they are moving us closer to conformity to Christ or farther away from it.”
~ by John Ortberg ~
Last week, I happened upon a woman I had not seen in several years. She continues to be active in the congregation in which I grew up and remained a member for many years thereafter. We chatted for a few minutes and then she asked, “Are you still going to _____ Church?”
“No,” I responded. “I am no longer affiliated with organized religion.”
“Oh!” she exclaimed. “That’s too bad! I’m sorry. Would you consider coming back to ______ Church?”
She immediately assumed that my decision to disassociate myself from the patriarchal church was a bad thing. She jumped to the conclusion that something must be wrong or some awful thing must have transpired if I am no longer attending worship serves at a particular congregation.
“No,” I explained. “I am not interested in being part of organized religion any longer.”
“Why not?” she inquired with genuine interest.
“Oh, for many reasons,” I told her. “Primarily, the homophobia and bigotry I encountered there. Not to mention the church politics and focus on things that I’m not interested in. I’m on a spiritual path now that is leading me in absolutely the right direction — for me.”
She looked at me as though she had never really seen my face before, even though we’ve known each other casually for at least thirty years.
“Really?” her face brightened. “I’m delighted to hear that.” Then she leaned close to me and said, “A lot of people are leaving the church and walking their own path. Good for you.”
And then she was called away to conduct the business that had brought her to the place where our paths had again crossed.
I have found that people who have attended church regularly for most or a good portion of their lives see church membership as some sort of spiritual panacea. Many of those folks have never really considered or analyzed precisely why they are members of a particular church. It is simply what they know, what they do, part of their life’s routine, and they are comfortable in their established customs. They want others to experience the ease with which they accept what their church teaches and develop confidence in believing what they believe. Church membership works for those folks and they are happy.
But for others of us, church membership either never had much meaning or lost its meaning at some point in our lives, and we felt a call to walk a different path. In my case, I tried for many, many years to derive meaning and substance from what transpired in Sunday morning worship services. There were moments when I came away feeling that the time had been well spent, but far too often, I left the church wondering why I did not find relevance, comfort, enlightenment or contentment either from the messages I heard there or the worship experience itself. I thought something was wrong with me so I tried harder and harder to make church membership have significance in my life. The harder I tried, the worse I felt.
One Sunday morning several years ago, the pastor was teaching an adult class about what the Bible says about sexual orientation and, more particularly, the issue of whether gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered persons should be ordained and allowed to marry in the church. I had lobbied him quite intensely to teach a multi-part Sunday School class on the topic. I was genuinely interested in the subject matter and hoped to have a productive, respectful dialogue not only with the pastor, but my fellow parishioners on the issue.
As you might imagine, the debate was extremely vigorous. But the conversation veered into a zone with which I was extremely uncomfortable and I could sense that other class members were also becoming increasingly tense as, one by one, participants ratcheted up the rhetoric of judgment, condemnation, distrust, and revulsion.
Finally, one of the pillars of the congregation stood to express his opinion. He had always kind and pleasant to me. He was a family man who had worked hard his entire life, raised several children, and was now thoroughly enjoying his retirement and time with his lovely grandchildren. He had been a member of the congregation for most of his life and served in numerous capacities throughout the years.
But on that morning, he rose and said, “I know how we can solve this problem of gays and lesbians in the church. It’s really quite simple. We should have our church — and let them have theirs!”
With that, he sat down. The room fell totally silent. I looked at the pastor expectantly. Surely, I thought to myself, he will speak up. He will respond by talking about Christ’s example of reaching out to all of the “undesirables” of society.
But he just stood there, saying nothing, as he surveyed the reactions of the people in the room.
Oh, come on, I thought to myself. This can’t be! He’s the pastor so he must be just thinking about how to respond, searching for just the right words so as not to belittle or degrade the otherwise kind-hearted and well-respected, but sadly misguided, elder member of the church.
And still he stood there, silent, as images of Jesus losing his temper in the temple played out in my mind.
Finally, I could tolerate it no more. My blood was boiling, my cheeks hot and flushed. I was furious. But I had spoken out and shared my feelings on the topic earlier. And, frankly, I was afraid that if I began speaking again, I would voice emotions that I had not yet examined and analyzed in the quiet of my own heart. I feared being completely ostracized because I knew that, based upon my earlier comments, I was already well on my way to being an outcast among these fine, God-fearing, church going folks with whom I did not — could not — agree on this particular topic.
So I simply got up, walked out of the room and sat quietly by myself in the Narthex until the class was over.
The pastor came to me after class because he could see how upset I was. Yet he still did not speak. He just looked at me sadly with what I thought at the time was compassion. As I look back on that day now, I’m not sure that was an accurate assessment.
“Separate but equal, huh? Is that what we’re preaching in this church?” I asked quietly. “Is that the note on which you let that class end after I walked out? Is that the message you left them with? Have you ever read Brown v. Board of Education? It’s the same thing. Do you think that’s what Jesus would preach here today — let them have their church and us good Christians will have ours? That’s not what the Jesus I know would preach. The Jesus I know hung out with the lepers, the outcasts, the sinners . . . the women and children. He didn’t send them to their synagogue while he stuck with the in-crowd who thought all the right thoughts and had all the right opinions. You just stood there. You didn’t challenge him at all.”
He mumbled something about not wanting the class to degrade into arguments, finger-pointing. He wanted to respect all the class members by letting them voice their feelings, right or wrong.
I just stared at him in complete disbelief. I think that morning I actually saw him for the first time, even though I had known him for years.
In standing silently in front of that class, he had managed to stand for nothing at all.
It took me several more years and more incidents like that one than I can remember now to finally muster the courage to walk away from organized religion and seek my own spiritual path. I have never been more sure of any decision I have ever made. I have never been happier or felt more focused upon what it truly means to live life as a believer.
I assess my thoughts and beliefs on a daily basis. I search for answers and implore the Divine Creator to place and keep me in conformity with Christ’s teachings. I listen . . . straining to hear the Spirit guiding me each day. I worship in my own time, my own space, my own way. I never knew what it meant to truly give praise until I freed myself from the surroundings that imprisoned me by forcing me to live within man-made boundaries that served only to detract from the spiritual nurturing I craved.
I do not stand in judgment of the man whose opinion I found repugnant, the pastor who stood silent in the face of professed injustice and decidedly un-Christlike behavior, or anyone else.
I do stand up for the principles and beliefs which I believe move me closer each and every day to conformity with Christ and his teachings. I do not apologize for them. I do not hide them. I no longer hide nor immerse my true self within any institution or group that asks me to conform to ways of thinking and believing that I find antithetical to the teachings of the one who died for me and all the other people who refused and refuse to conform to the world. Only by moving away from the traditional church did I discover what it means to be in daily communion and relationship with the Divine Creator. That’s how I know that I am walking the right path . . . the path meant for me . . . and that I do not walk it alone.
Thanks go to Amy at In Pursuit of Proverbs 31 for hosting this week! Drop by and read the other participants’ discussion of this week’s quote.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
OUCH!! For someone who is nonjudgmental you pack a big punch with words like “repugnant” and “un-Christlike”. I am glad you have found spiritual fulfillment whether or not it involves “organized religion”. But is it fair to lump all churches and church people into your experience? I don’t think of myself as ignorant and don’t accept everything I hear at church as the gospel truth. I understand people are human and I need to search out the Scripture and God for myself, not rely on the opinions of those in leadership. I enjoy being a member of my church because I am encouraged by the example of faithful people around me. I can gain insight by rubbing up against people who don’t think like I do. And I see God changing lives.
Maybe that has not been your experience, but it does happen. Just as you are offended by people thinking you can’t be a real Christian if you don’t go to church, church goers are offended by the assumption we are all ignorant fools who don’t think for ourselves because we are part of a church body.
I’m sorry I’m going off on you a little. You hit a sensitive subject with me. I am angry WITH you that your church experience was so narrow. Please know I appreciate your courage in being honest and calling it like you see it even though it may not be popular, Hopeful Spirit. I understand your frustration, I do. I get tired of some Christians using all the right phrases and going through the motions, but they have the right to be who they are and relate to God in their way too. I know the attitudes you are fighting against, but please be careful not lump everyone in the same pot.
Thanks for a meaningful discussion, my friend.
Tami! I’m so happy to hear from you!
“But is it fair to lump all churches and church people into your experience?” My writing was obviously not clear enough.
I never intended to “lump all church or church people” together and thought I explained that by stating that many good folks attend church and are happy there. It works for them and there is nothing wrong with that. My parents and other family members would certainly be counted among those people for whom church was an integral and essential part of their lives, but also must point out that they never stopped to seriously question why. It was part of life, they accepted that, and lived within the church’s structure and expectations.
The words that I heard in that room on the morning in question were “repugnant” because they were hateful and hate-filled. In fact, the language was so ugly that I would not repeat here the things that were said by some of the class participants. Yes, their comments were that offensive.
I believe those types of descriptions of and pejorative terminology applied to other human beings “un-Christlike” because he was the model for love, compassion, acceptance, and tolerance. He never, ever put people down, even though he took issue with their behavior and actions. He did not attack their intrinsic worth as human beings and that’s what I heard all too often within the walls of the patriarchal church, especially on that morning. Yet people in that class were not called to task by the church’s appointed leader. I found that lack of leadership repugnant, too.
Not all of my church experiences were that “narrow,” of course. But I had a series of such experiences that culminated with the events I described in the very first post I published when I founded this site. I believe that those experiences all culminated in my departure and brought me to where I am today . . . and where I’m going from here.
Thanks for calling it as you see it. I depend upon friends like you to keep the dialogue moving!
Hope,
Similar experiences that I have had have lead me to agree with you.
A Spiritual Path does not necessarily need to include “organized religion”
I have long believed that there is a big difference between “Spirituality” and “Religion”
Such an awesome post sweetie.
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Great post! As an Australian I find it hard to imagine the idea of most people you know going to church and caring whether you do or not. Us Aussies aren’t a particularly religious bunch and religion pays a relatively minor role in our politics and society. That’s not to say that there aren’t devout followers of particular faiths; of course there are, but they’re certainly a minority.
I think the concept of a church with people supporting each other in their faith and gathering strength from each other a beautiful thing. But too often religion doesn’t play out that way. It’s just another tool for human beings to persecute and judge each other and Jesus was most definitely not about that.
I wrote a post about this over easter actually and in that I made the distinction that I believe faith and spirituality are more important than belonging to an organized religion. God is everywhere; I don’t ahev to go to church and sit with certain people to commune with him.
Thanks for the read. I’ll come back again.
Kelly
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Dear Hopeful Spirit, you have poured out your heart once more about the disappointments you have experienced. I think it is really good that you keep writing about it…as long as you feel the need to do so. As one of your other commenter, I also deeply believe that a spiritual path is very different than organized religion. Churches in general are businesses…if you really look at it. Therefore you find politics, games, partiality, and a host of other things you find in any business you go to. Finding a spiritual path is heeding to a call from within. My safety net is my prayer life and a desire to be completely honest with myself. After all, a spiritual path is all about spiritual awakenings, enlightenment. This can happen if we are willing to be open and honest with ourselves and with God.
Thank you for sharing your story here. I will keep you in my heart as I pray and I would so like it if you would keep me in yours. Thank you!
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Hopeful,
Great post. Eventually, the reasons for leaving don’t matter as much as the compelling relationship we find with the Lord when He becomes our greatest pursuit.
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That was a great post. I really enjoyed reading it, thanks. I have to agree with Tami though. Although there are lots of ‘zealots’ out there that give churches bad names, we must understand that these are people too. We make the same mistakes as them. We are in no way better than others, because sometimes we make mistakes they do not like. I also think that you shouldn’t trash organized religion just because you had a bad experience at one. A lot of people have found happiness with organized religion and we should not hamper their feelings for it.
Malcom: Thanks for visiting and your comments. As I explained to Tami, my intent was not to “trash” any person — only to explain how upset and dismayed I was by the behavior of some of the members of my former congregation.
I enjoy being a member of my church because I am encouraged by the example of faithful people around me.
I’m sorry you had such a negative experience, however, I do believe that any instituation which has humans as leaders/members/etc is bound to fail at some point or another. Its because of our frail human nature, and because of how we always fail at some point or another to look to Christ for our example. It is also something to consider that not all who attend church are actually Christians. Jesus talks about this in Matthew in the parable of the wheat and the weeds. We need to be careful in too closely aligning the actions of people who are “christians” with the beliefs and truth of the faith in general.
People and “the church” will fail, but Christ is always perfect. We are perfected through faith in him, not by our own strength.
With that said, I still think attendance at a church of some sort is an intergral part of faith. It provides:
1. an expression of our love for God
2. fellowship and support from other Christians
3. Helps us to build up our spiritual strength
4. Combines spiritual strength in prayer.
5. Provides accountability with other Christians.
These are just a few of the things that I can come up with.
The church that I attend has a bit of a different format in that it has 3-4 teaching pastors who preach on sundays, as well as several other pastors for other ministries who all keep each other accountable. This also means that you don’t get one powerful or inept leader at the front who can so often cause problems at a church.
The church also subscribes closely to a “small group” format much like the early church where a lot of the teaching and fellowship between Christians happens in a small group atmosphere. This is very helpful as well I think.
Good luck in your spiritual quest, and God bless!
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